Something changed yesterday, maybe the day before but I saw it yesterday.
I’ve had episodes before when I get an overwhelming desire to sleep. It feels like my face and head just want to close, to shut down, to relax completely, where even just having my eyes open is too much input, too much work. I have said before that this has been side-effects and I am certain it has - drugs like Mirtazapine are known for this (horrible drug, I will never take that again) but it has also happened when I have not been taking medication - like now. Well, when I say No medication I mean nothing that would do it. I’m on Prozac 60mg but that’s stable, I have no side-effects that I know of. And the tramadol? That’s good. I mean it’s varied to be less if anything when I’ve forgotten to take it, I haven’t taken more. So this sleep is something that has happened before. (Maybe if I read back through these posts I’d find where it happened but hey, who reads their old posts?) (so why do I do this? to write, not to read, that’s why).
I sat in silence for nearly all yesterday afternoon/evening. No TV / game / music, just whatever noise floated upstairs and come through the window. I sat silent and very very calm. The word ‘serene’ fits best - silent, still, calm, pleasant. That was me. And I have no clue why. This .. event .. just happened. I hadn’t completed anything which would provoke a “Ahh, done!” moment of repose. I hadn’t fixed anything, solved anything. I just realised after a while that here I am sitting in total silence and that I didn’t have a reason for it.
So silence + the desire to sleep. Every night when I go bed I lie down before I am tired. I lie down on my back, hands by my side and open flat on the bed. And I breathe. I focus on my breathe and clear my head. After some time - it varies - I roll onto whichever side works that night and I drop off really quick. Two nights ago I barely started before wanting to sleep. Last night was the same.
And this morning I just didn’t want to get up, open my eyes. I was awake, I felt fine, I just didn’t want to get up. Only it’s more than that and I can’t explain the desire to just lie there and let the world happen.
It’s 17:12 now and if I laid down I’d sleep. That’s after just 2 tramadol which I had at lunchtime and over a litre of caffeined pop. I think I got up at 11. There is no reason at all for me to feel this need to sleep. It’s not tired, it’s not bored, it’s a real want to just stop, shut down, close, sleep.